"That First Morning When You Wake up
and Your First Thought Is 'Fuck This' " by Blake Middleton
that first morning when you wake up and your first thought is 'fuck this'
then every morning after that
shit-talking your decisions as you make them
the faces of all the people you love but not enough
the faces of all the people you love but can't change
life like one long ‘eh, fuck it’
whispering ‘i won't let the world eat you’ as the most romantic thing ever
an empty bugles bag blowing through the family dollar parking lot
as the realest shit ever
getting black-out drunk to escape reality
sleeping for twelve hours to escape reality after getting black-out drunk to escape reality
waking up drunk
popping an adderall
driving to work
not even upset
just kind of there
drunk at 8 a.m., firing your co-workers for fun
a shitty plastic trophy for getting out of bed
a machine that lets you clock-in by bashing it with a hammer
staring at google images of national parks in the bathroom at work
heroin in the ceiling at work
watching the dishwasher overdose during easter brunch
long periods of thinking nothing but ‘fuck everyone in this restaurant’
doing push-ups in the bathroom at work
reading sartre in the bathroom at work
a small reminder that your time is still yours
but only barely
smiling, thinking ‘no future’ after an incredibly hung-over shift
driving home
locking yourself in your room
aggressively shit-talking capitalism in your head while reading about fracking
writing ‘fuck’ in the margins
a proliferation of terrifying wikipedia pages
thinking that there's no viable way to move through time and space without causing pain and suffering to other people
the feeling that most people know this but don’t care
the feeling that you know this but don’t care
blocking out an incredibly large portion of reality to function in society
a sleek new desperate quietism
knowing that having time to read is a privilege that billions of people don’t have
so be nice
trying to be nice while dealing with all your personal bullshit
failing to be nice while dealing with all your personal bullshit
crying in bed after finishing a book about the cold war
staring at your ceiling on a twin mattress at 2 a.m., remembering that
the only way out of your life is by dying
remembering that dying is going to hurt
and you're going to have to do it
remembering exactly how small of an animal you are
you really are a small and cute animal
so start acting like one
nurturing your anxiety with bleak nonfiction
because someone had to say ‘hey, uh, maybe we should ban the use
of weather modification as a weapon’
echoes of all the tiny grunts that started wars
bringing the world into your head
more and more blank faces
piecing together the shit-bricks of history
throwing bricks at the names in your head
learning more and more but feeling less and less confident about what to do with any of it
reading the shitty histories that led to your okay life
that feeling when it clicks: uh-oh, I want nothing to do with the society I live in
and your career ambitions are just an attempt to build a small safe world
inside a big fucking terrifying one
the feeling that most people don’t care about the things that matter
the feeling that you don’t know what matters
the feeling when you stop trying to figure it out
looking at people and remembering you’re one of them
oh man you’re one of them
oh fuck you’re one of them
but whatever
it's just you vs. everyone else’s bullshit forever