"Borderline Seeks Narcissist" by J.M. Dalton
ANSWER: someone to watch TV, eat with and kiss goodnight
QUESTION: what's a thing I'll never have?
*
...and the thirstier
you are, the less attractive
you seem, but the
less attractive
you seem, the thirstier
you become each day...
*
*loves self for fifteen seconds*
OK, I'm a whole person. Now will you go out with me?
*
PRESS CONFERENCE: Good afternoon. You may have heard that today the American Psychological Association and American Psychiatric Association issued a joint statement discouraging people from dating me.
I do not dispute their findings. I wouldn't date me, either.
*
A panic attack a day keeps a boyfriend away.
*
all week I wait for
the weekend as if I'll be
happy or something
instead I'll sleep for
days to escape this nightmare,
dreaming of old "you"s
*
Come for the anxious negativity.
Stay for the overwhelming clinginess!
*
Gay men of America: give me a reason to shave.
*
Hey fuckers with plans on this dumb Friday night
most especially you who have romantic plans
I hope your cars are all stalled, and that you get a fright
when the demons appear screeching, "No holding hands!"
Yes, I'm calling in favors from Satan himself
I'm sick of you couples, and retch at the sight
I found an apocalypse coupon online
I'm cashing it in 'cause it serves you all right
*
Is that an anxiety disorder in your pocket, or are you just inventing reasons not to see me?
*
I don't recommend asking someone what ABDL stands for when you see it on their dating profile.
*
I've never gotten over someone before, only replaced one obsessive crush with another.
*
Is it called Tinder because it makes me want to start fires?
*
Keep forgetting to be friends first.
*
Love in the Time of Celexa.
*
maybe if I took better selfies
maybe if I lost more weight
maybe if I got new clothes
maybe if I smiled more
maybe if I wanted less
maybe if I
maybe
*
ME: Hey Siri, if neither of us are married by the time we're 40...
Siri: No.
*
MTV True Life: My Contacts List Is Mostly Relatives
*
S ince
I
N ever
G et
L aid
E ver
*
Saw a commercial about removing hard water stains and thought, "Maybe the water in my body is hard, and that's why I'm so difficult?
*
Should I make an OkCupid profile for the third time, get incredibly discouraged, then kill myself? Or should I skip OkCupid?
*
Shout out to all the couples tonight--as in, please shout at them until they break up.
*
ME: If only I could like, rent a boyfriend for an evening? Just for dinner and a movie, cuddling?
FRIEND: Well, technically you can do that, but um...
*
To for once be desired instead of just tolerated would be fucking incredible.
*
Withering away
like a plant everyone tells
to water itself.
"How can you expect
someone to water you, if
YOU won't water you?"